The Broken Leg Diaries
10 reasons why a buggered leg is awesome.
I have a broken leg. Well, not broken, more like totally buggered, but hospitals don’t really use that term. And more fool them. Hospitals are used to talking in laymen’s (person’s?) terms, so why don’t they just go the whole hog and say it like it is. “So madam, from your chart I can see that you’re totally fucked”. It would get straight to the point and save the NHS loads of money in waiting times.
So NHS now fixed, I’ve been pondering how I can make lemonade out of this bag of particularly manky, crappy, out of date, slightly mouldy lemons. Here’s my predicament- I have a lovely Forrest Gumpesque brace on my leg and I can’t put weight on it for 8 weeks. With 1 down and 7 to go, I refuse to let myself go slowly insane with cabin fever and irritability so I have mostly been pondering the upside. So here it goes- my top ten things about buggering my leg up-
1) I’m now technically bionic. This is amazing.
2) I’m getting pretty immense at hopping. This is defos going to come in handy when the revolution comes.
3) I get to lay on my sofa all day eating cookies that really are truly irresistible. Bravo co-op, bravo.
4) It is thoroughly Barbara Cartland-esque to apply a full face of make up to retire to the aforementioned sofa with a slanket and a G&T. This, it turns out, is lots of fun, in a quasi-glamorous yet fully tragic kind of way.
5) My boyfriend (man friend? He’s officially a man) has to cook me dinner. EVERY NIGHT.
6) I don’t have to go to things because of social etiquette. I haven’t had to use the broken leg excuse yet but I am looking forward to it. I might even engineer an awkward social situation just so I can get out of it scot free.
7) People bring me cups of tea and sticky toffee pudding. That in itself is worth leg surgery. Right?
8) I have started dreaming about the Wire. Perhaps I can make the terrible fake murder storyline go away. The power of dreams and all that.
9) I get to do all the facebooking I want without pesky work getting in the way.
10) I get to do all the work I want to without pesky colleagues getting in the way.
On reflection then, maybe this buggered up leg malarkey isn’t so bad. Plus these painkillers are AWESOME.