Human Healthcare and Veterinary Practice

3 Mar

A play by Jacq Kelly on human healthcare and veterinary practice. 


 Players: Jacq; Jacq’s girlfriend, Dawn; Mable – a cat; Jefferson – another cat; Lovely vet; vet assistant; Horrible doctor 1; Horrible doctor 2; Slightly less horrible doctor

Scene 1

Setting: Dundas Veterinary Practice 
Time: Present time

 Jacq: Hello! 
Lovely vet: Aw babies! Hello babies, ooh aren’t you lovely, ah. [picks up Mable] now which one is this? 
Jacq: This is Mable. 
Lovely vet: Oh Mable aren’t you beautiful. [turns to vet assistant] Isn’t she 
beautiful?! Almost a tabby! Oh hello Mable. [strokes Mable]

Scene 2

Setting: Edinburgh Eye Pavillion 
Time: Spring 2007


Jacq and Dawn: Hello! 
Horrible doctor 1: Are you two sisters? 
Jacq: I think I am going blind. 
Horrible doctor 1: You might have retinitis pigmentosa. We need to do tests. 
Dawn: Can Jacq have a white stick? 
Horrible doctor 1: No.

Scene 3

Setting: Dundas Veterinary Practice 
Time: Present time


Lovely vet: Oh and Jefferson! Aren’t you lovely too! Let’s get you weighed. Ooh, big boy. [to Jacq] now there’s his boy bits so we’ll get them off when he is six months, but if you notice them getting randy with each other we can do it at four. I’ll give you some worming powder too. The details will be on it, and I’m checking them over generally. They seem very healthy and happy! So nice to have two! 
Jacq: [smiles]

Scene 4

Setting: Edinburgh Eye Pavillion 
Time: Summer 2008


Jacq: Hello! 
Horrible doctor 2: [silence – ignores Jacq for five minutes while he reads her notes] 
Jacq: *cough* 
Horrible doctor 2: MARRIED? 
Jacq: Erm, ahm. [quizzical look – wonders why this is relevant] 
Horrible doctor 2: ARE YOU MARRIED? 
Jacq: Erm….no. 
Horrible doctor 2: PLANNING TO? 
Jacq: Erm. What? 
Horrible doctor 2: ARE YOU GOING TO GET MARRIED? 
Jacq: Erm….. I ….. don’t ….. think ….. it …. is …. likely …. 
Horrible doctor 2: [silence]

Scene 5

Setting: Dundas Veterinary Practice 
Time: Present time


Lovely vet: Are they generally happy? They look well…oh look he has a little bite, Mable must have nipped him. Can I suggest you keep them on at least two thirds wet food [goes on to outline extensive benefits to cat health] and I strongly suggest you don’t have lilies in the house. Cats like to eat plants but lilies are incredibly poisonous to them [outlines extensively why]. Watch them while you are cooking too. Aw, that cat has got you well domesticated!

Scene 6

Setting: Edinburgh Eye Pavillion 
Time: Summer 2008


Jacq: Hello! 
Slightly less horrible doctor: You have retinitis pigmentosa. You are going blind. You don’t look too surprised though! 
Jacq: No, I am not. 
Slightly less horrible doctor: Keep up the good work! You seem cheery! Are your parents cousins? 
Jacq: What??? 
Slightly less horrible doctor: So, there is nothing we can do for you. Come back every year to see how much more blind you are. 
Jacq: Shouldn’t I get registered? 
Slightly less horrible doctor: Oh. Yes. That is probably a good idea. 
Jacq: What do I do? 
Slightly less horrible doctor: Dunno!



2 Responses to “Human Healthcare and Veterinary Practice”

  1. rob Kneebone March 3, 2011 at 10:37 pm #

    ha! Love it 🙂

  2. Matt Webb March 4, 2011 at 9:13 am #

    This is one of my most favourite things ever

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