Man Crush

23 Jun

Matt Webb

I’m not gay, but sometimes my girlfriend suspects otherwise. There are a number of men in this world guaranteed to get my pulse racing. It’s not really about physical attraction. It’s more about the recognition of a kindred spirit, or just the fact that the guy in question is really, really awesome. The following is a list of the men most likely to make me dream of a life of plenty in the world of sweet, sweet man love.

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall

Just look at that cheeky lopsided grin. It speaks to me of a certain childlike innocence balanced out with an adult’s appreciation of the finer things that life has to offer. He enjoys nothing more than flirting with the members of the local Women’s Institute while making and then eating/drinking all kinds of jam/cake/moonshine and so on.

Hugh lives in an idyllic West Country cottage surrounded by vegetable patches and livestock. He is regularly involved in local events and seems to be friends with pretty much everybody in the area. As his partner, you’d be guaranteed a busy social life in a charming, rustic kind of a way.

The best thing about Hugh is that he earns a living by growing his own food (or at the very least sourcing the freshest food available) and then turning it into something delicious. Sure, you’d have to spend some time pining for him as he goes on his latest chicken freeing campaign, but that’s a small price to pay. For the rest of the time you’ll just be reaping the benefits of all that home cooking! I’m pretty sure Hugh is married with children. I have NEVER seen his wife in any of his programs. Do you know why? It’s because her life involves enjoying the beautiful scenery, eating pies and nothing more.

Couple all this with the fact that Hugh seems to be a genuinely lovely man and you can see why I have this man crush. Here is a quote from one of his cookery books (he’s talking about Chicken Kiev):

“Cook this for somebody that you love and admire, and they will love and admire you in return.”

Oh, Hugh. You could sweep me off my feet.

Clint Eastwood

Not every man looks good in a poncho, you know. We are a rare breed. Clint pulls it off better than most, you must admit.

For a period in the 60s and 70s Clint was pretty much the manliest man on the planet. He’s still well up there, even though he’s in his 80s now. There was never a script for the films he made in those days. Some director would just pick up a camera, make sure Clint was wearing the right outfit, point him at some bad guys and then film what happened. That’s why there is never a whole lot of dialogue in Clint Eastwood movies. He does all his talking with his six-shooter.

Now, Clint has been described as a “serial womanizer” which means that turning him would be a pretty major coup. While this idea certainly appeals to my vanity, this is not the only reason that I would agree to take Clint as my husband.

As a straight man I can’t pretend to know what it’s like to be openly gay. I imagine it’s hard. Although people are generally becoming more accepting of homosexuality, I expect you still come across plenty of idiots who want to give you a hard time about it. Do you think anyone’s going to give you any shit when you’re stepping out with Clint on your arm?  I’ll tell you what – they won’t do it more than once.

 Dave Grohl

Dave definitely falls into the category of simply being really, really awesome. As drummer for Nirvana he was a part of one of the most influential and iconic bands of all time. The Foo Fighters have been one of the biggest and best loved rock bands for about 15 years now. He plays drums for the excellent Them Crooked Vultures. Add to this list stints as a guest/session performer with the likes of Queens of the Stoneage, Tenacious D, Nine Inch Nails, Paul McCartney, The Prodigy (and on and on and on) and you can fully appreciate, I’m sure, how in awe I am of this man.

And yet, Dave always comes across as a really nice guy. He seems fun. He enjoys his life, seems to genuinely appreciate how lucky he is and is grateful to his fans for loving him.  He’s also a massive geek. You can just tell. Look at photos from his Nirvana days if you’re in any doubt of his geekiness. As a geek myself, seeing someone like Dave achieve the legendary status he has fills my heart with a warm glow. It fills my soul with hope. Some day, I too could be a cool geek like Dave, rather than the plain old geeky geek that I am now.

Until that day comes, I will have to content myself with fantasies that Dave will pluck me out of the crowd at the next Foo Fighters gig I attend. “Matt,” he’ll say, “You and I are the same. Kindred spirits. We are meant to be together. Come to me. Feel my facial hair tickle at the back of your neck and know that I love you.” I sigh.

Phil Spencer

How middle class am I? Really middle class, clearly.

Phil, of course, is best known for appearing on Channel 4 property shows alongside Kirstie Allsopp (who I also have a bit of a crush on. If Phil and I got together perhaps a three-way would be on the cards? That’d be hot.) They also appear together in some show that seems to revolve around them going on amazingly luxurious holidays together and making us guess whether or not they’ve ever had sex.

In their television partnership Phil plays ‘passive’ to Kirstie’s ‘aggressive.’ While Kirstie yells at rich couples for having unrealistic expectations for what kind of property they can get with their money, Phil stands by and quietly agrees. What I like about Phil is that you can always see a glint in the eye that tells me he’d like nothing better than to follow up Kirstie’s verbal abuse with some physical abuse. But he wouldn’t, of course. He’s too nice.

This reminds me very much of myself. What wonderful evenings Phil and I would spend together, watching repeats of Location, Location, Location while discussing in detail exactly what kind of punishment we would inflict upon the property hunters on the show, if only we had the guts to throw off the shackles of our British middle class reserve. We’d host wine and cheese evenings.

Adam Richman

Adam Richman is a loveable everyman kind of a character who presents my new favourite TV show, Man Versus Food.

In this show, he takes on various eating challenges all around the US. He tackles giant pizzas, 10 pound burgers and fiery hot chicken wings with enthusiasm and determination. In the picture above he appears to be looking at that pizza with some amount of trepidation. I can assure you that this is only a show he’s putting on for the cameras. He is going to eat that whole thing. And if he can’t eat the whole thing, he’s going to have a damn good time trying to.

It’s not just the fact that I could eat like a king just by taking his leftovers that makes me love him. He really is a charming chap. He approaches daunting food challenges with light hearted good humour and enjoys lively banter with anyone and everyone he meets. These are qualities that lead me to believe that he could make a real success (or at least try his hardest to) of a homosexual relationship with a heterosexual British man that he’s never met and who is mainly into him for his extensive knowledge of BBQ restaurants.

2 Responses to “Man Crush”

  1. Lucy Jackson June 28, 2011 at 12:59 pm #

    You’ll have to fight me for the mighty Dave and Phill!

  2. dance ricky dance June 28, 2011 at 9:07 pm #

    seriously. Not one mention of David Miliband?

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