Nobody loves Raymond

27 Jul

Ellie Hutchinson

If you have stumbled across our blog with this search term- you’re in luck. Not only has Matt explained why Everybody Loves Raymond is an outright lie, but you’ve also come across this little story. You lucky thing you…

Raymond was an annoying little boy. His voice was too loud, his stories too long and his feet were too small. He liked to put his annoying little feet in people’s way and watch as they fell over. You could hear his braying laugh as far as the music building across the football pitch and behind the netball court. Even Raymond’s teachers avoided eye contact with him. They used to put him at the back of the class where he would annoy the naughty children with his boring stories about pencil cases. His parents had taken him to the best doctors around the world in the hope of finding out why he was quite so annoying. After one such long and expensive trip,  as they watched him kick the consultant and compose hate letters to his cat, they realised that they themselves did not like Raymond. Raymond didn’t mind, he didn’t like them much either.

Raymond, of course, grew into a horrible little man. The first thing he did when he bought his miserable house was hang net curtains, just so he could peer round them. It had been a life long dream. His favourite past time was to note down the comings and goings of his neighbours and retell them at length to his colleagues. Being grown ups, his work mates tried to like Raymond, but as he was such a ghastly man, they quickly began to avoid him. His only companion was a pet hamster, but he didn’t like Raymond either. He would wait until that moment between sleep and awake and start peddling furiously on his little wheel. If hamsters could smirk, he would have done so, but his large teeth and oversized cheeks got in the way.

Raymond didn’t mind. He liked annoying Hammy. He had given him such an unimaginative name out of spite after all, so he expected nothing less than mutual animosity.

Raymond liked being irritating, that was how incredibly irritating he was. By the time he reached middle age he’d amassed a ridiculously enormous collection of cartoon socks and comedy catchphrases. He’d affected a voice that was a scratchy drone, which managed to be both annoying and oddly soothing. He wore brightly coloured shoes and sludge grey suits, just so everyone could see how annoying his silly little feet were.

As he left his grey office for the final time at 65, Raymond couldn’t help but feel immensely proud. He was so proud in fact, that his retirement was filled with contacting the Guinness Book of Records daily in the hope of creating a new entry; the most obnoxious human being in the world.  After ten long years of monthly phone calls, daily emails and really quite rude text messages about other people’s mothers, they finally capitulated. After undertaking a very thorough and rather expensive global search, they discovered that truly, Raymond really was the most annoying person on the planet. But as his school mates, parents and colleagues knew, nobody loves Raymond. He died a very happy man.

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4 Responses to “Nobody loves Raymond”

  1. Webbo July 27, 2011 at 1:27 pm #

    Net curtains are important. They stop people peering in at you while you pose naked in the mirror.

  2. Lucy Jackson July 27, 2011 at 2:58 pm #

    Loving your work Ellie!

    • dance ricky dance July 27, 2011 at 3:57 pm #

      Danka!

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  1. Search terms « Dance ricky dance! - July 27, 2011

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