Ellie, our proud leader, has a magic function on her thinking picture box (com…pooter…?) that tells us what people have entered into internet search engines in order to end up at our website. It is, indeed, magical. It provides, at best, an enigmatic and intriguing insight into the minds of internet users. At worst it is confusing and disturbing.
The most confusing, disturbing and very intriguing search term, used recently, was:
“Why does women vigina have no filling?”
I suppose we can safely make the assumption that this person meant “vagina.” I Googled “vigina” in an attempt to eliminate it from my enquiries, and the results were not pleasant. Among other things was a website telling me that I could “Buy from reliable vigina wholesalers.” I can’t even begin to imagine the logistics of this hellish sounding operation. It seems like something the police should have an interest in. But I digress.
I am struggling to come up with an explanation as to why someone would need this question answering. After long, hard consideration, I have formulated two theories:
1. This person thinks that, when not being used for its primary functions, a vagina is little more than a wasted space and he wants to know why women aren’t using it to keep stuff in.
2. He thinks it’s food. He sees a vagina as some kind of fleshy pitta bread, crying out for someone to fill it with bacon, cream cheese and salad.
I feel for this poor cretin. Clearly he (I’m assuming it’s a guy, mainly because I figure that women already know why they’re not filling their fannies with food) has had zero “face-time” with a real vagina. Or, more likely, he has only recently encountered his first ever vagina and is now thinking to himself, “Jeez, I could put that thing to much better use. I always need a place to keep all those Ikea pencils I’ve collected.”
I am hoping that, by writing this short article, I will be able to reach out to this poor demented creature and send him one very important message; don’t ask the internet ridiculous shit about vaginas!
If you have a genuine concern about a medical/anatomical issue then the internet can provide a wealth of information. However, the internet is also full of lies and pornography. Typing something as stupid as “Why does women vigina have no filling?” will only lead you to bizarre websites advising you to fill a lady’s part with sticky sugary liquids.*
Now, at least, people typing this question into a search engine should arrive at this article, where I can finally provide your presumably drug-addled brain with the answer you’ve been looking for:
YOU’RE STUPID! Keep away from vaginas; they don’t want you.
*Also to our article entitled “My vagina does not make me unable to alphabetise.”