Next make ground breaking scientific discovery

29 Jul

Lucy Jackson

If you fancy being patronised today, check out the Next website and their ‘Hoxton Girl’ Fashion Inspiration

Firstly, I think we can all agree that being mistaken for someone from Hoxton is largely uncomplimentary thanks to the Shoreditch twat backlash and the brilliant Nathan Barley.  But still that has not perturbed them as they venture on with top advice such as…

1) Wearing winter clothes now.   In summer.  To stay one step ahead.  One step ahead of who? That’s not fashion forward (shudder), that’s idiocy.   I’m not sure wearing woollens in the heat and rocking a red shiny face is really the look I am aiming for, but thanks for the tip…

2) Adding a “feminine edge to soft blouses” with an oversized bow.  A blouse doesn’t need a feminine edge. It is an item of women’s clothing.  That sort of makes it feminine enough in my book. Adding a gaga-meets-granny bow on the neck screams ‘hiding a prominent Adam’s apple to me…

3) Wearing “a gorgeous new shade” (maybe I’m being a little over zealous with their grammar, but go with it).  Yes, they have merged science and fashion and have brought as an entirely new shade, which looks staggeringly like caramel.  Which is just beige isn’t it?  I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to step out in such a staggering new colour, Next….

4) a way to carry all our personal effects in a convenient manner.  I know, I’d never assumed there was an alternative to traipsing around with my belongings in my pockets, hands, wedged under one arm or held in my teeth, either.  But there is!  in They have the perfect solution to this inconvenience.  A structured bag.  Apparently it’s a “practical staple for the discerning fashion fan”.  Putting your shit in a bag, how shrewd.  Thanks Next!  And to make it structured is genius, lugging an amorphous sack around is so annoying.

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4 Responses to “Next make ground breaking scientific discovery”

  1. Lucy Jackson July 29, 2011 at 1:15 pm #

    I genuinely thought you had used a picture of Matt and I was v confused!

  2. dance ricky dance July 29, 2011 at 1:20 pm #

    ha! Matt is a total hoxton twat after all. Geek pie! I think we all know what picture of Matt I would have used…

  3. Lucy Jackson July 29, 2011 at 2:19 pm #

    Mu ha ha! It has to be featured on here at some point doesn’t it?!

    • dance ricky dance July 29, 2011 at 2:28 pm #

      He’s got waaaay too much on me to risk it. Gin+ too much eyeliner+night out at the waterfront=sexy face.

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