I’ve had some problems today. Problems with the WORLD. It’s really quite annoying. My day has consisted of; reading rubbish claiming that hate speech is fine as long as you sing it; writing letters in response to some right wing fruit loop tell me what to do with my uterus; reading nonsense about why women should be as pretty as possible to get ahead and seeing children’s clothes that say “I’m too pretty to do math” and “my brother does my homework for me”. Seriously. You guys… What’s wrong with people?! To paraphrase Simon Amstell “didn’t we have this conversation?” . Didn’t we decide that sexism isn’t ok? You know, in the 70’s.
What’s that?.. oh.. we didn’t. So..we’re all totally fine with it? Right…Good to know.
It’s annoying more than anything else. How can sensible people with brains still have these stupid conversations? Seriously. How? Continue reading
This tumblr wants to know.
In other sandwich related news, this youtube clip shows some of the best sandwiches in Hollywood history.
Good job they didn’t add this bad boy from the opening credits of Commando (right at the end and.. kind of… creepy?) as it looks AWFUL. Also, what’s with the deer kissing?
So, I got into this whole discussion about penguins. You know when you’re absolutely certain that you’re right about something, but you don’t want to just look it up in a book or on the internet or something in case you find out you’re wrong? I had that. So, there are Emperor Penguins and there are King Penguins. My argument was that there must also be a penguin king. I forget why I was so certain of this. My friend, who I was arguing with, told me that I was being fucking ridiculous. Red rag to a bull.
The following are excerpts taken from my book, A Fish Diet: One Man’s Attempt to Overthrow the Penguin King. The book itself consisted of journal entries during my long solitary study of penguin behaviour in the wild and my efforts to become their king. Please enjoy. Continue reading
This reminds me of the time my hairdresser didn’t know what Quantum Leap was.
Matthew Webb is now co-editing this bad boy. Good news. Matt has written such delights as Nemesis, the world of advertising and answered the eternal question; why does woman vigina have no filing?
You can read other things he writes here. It’s mainly going to be about football or something.
Here’s his bio (in case you didn’t want to click on the about page, although.. come on. It’s one click).
Matthew Webb has made a string of questionable life choices that have led to him finding himself in a job that “pays the bills.” Which is another way of saying, “that is the polar opposite of all his boyhood dreams and aspirations.” Despite this, he still believes himself to be right. About everything.
Turn ons include: Cowboys, zombies, heavy metal music, PG Wodehouse and dogs.
Turn offs include: Stupid people that don’t think they’re stupid, the Lloyds TSB adverts, cats and Kirsten O’Brien.
Have you ever read something and then proceeded to narrate your life accordingly? When I was doing my English A-level I found that after some time I started thinking in Hardyesque terms. Bleugh. Enough with the bleakness. Anyway, I still do this, but in a totally different way. That’s right, I sometimes think in Jackie Collins. Particularly if I’ve had plenty of time to read one of her literary delights. Particularly if I’m on a plane.
Example: A trip to my parents. OR in JC speak; Natural Blonde.
As she stepped off the plane, a gust of wind caught her choppy blonde hair. She was home. She walked with her head held high, relishing the thought of returning to the Kentish countryside and potentially having toad in the hole for dinner. Reaching the terminal she stopped in shock, a sharp jolt of horror drawing her out of her reverie, “had she left her passport on board?” Continue reading
Ask him to the disco. Obviously.
Read part one of Nemesis here
Following my initial altercation with the hateful terrorist Jacq and her alien henchman Lena, I had resolved to retire to my hotel room to prepare for my next attack. It soon occurred to me that I knew almost nothing about Jacq and Lena beyond the obvious terrorist threat that they posed. I had mistakenly assumed that the surprise nature of my first assault would catch them off guard and that my victory would be swift and almost effortless.
It was of the highest importance that I gather as much information on my enemy as possible, and fast. Intelligence is key in war, as the ghost of George “what will a few Indians be able to do about anything?” Custer will tell you. The problem I was faced with was that my one reliable source of intelligence, Ellie, was dead in her flat where I’d left her earlier that morning. Luckily, I knew that there was something I could do about that.
Contrary to popular belief, resurrecting a reasonably fresh corpse is surprisingly easy. It would be irresponsible and more than a little dull for me to set out the entire method in writing. All I will say is that with the correct application of an ordinary electric toaster, a selection of garden herbs, a bicycle pump and a little plutonium (note to self: buy a bullet proof vest in case the Libyans catch up with me) you can resurrect almost any corpse within two or three hours. Continue reading
These things never get boring.
- Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
- Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
- Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
- Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
- Continue reading