This week I’ve been mainly angry. Furious in fact. David Cameron is a total tool box, Nick Clegg is just a dick and Ed Miliband seems to have forgotten that he’s the leader of a social justice party. The policies and responses to the riots are, as my manfriend quite rightly said, “like they asked a random crazy person in the pub to talk about criminals.” So, instead of impotently raging against the machine, I’ve decided there’s only one solution. I should become P.M.
Here’s my 10 step plan.
1) Create a new party. I am a member of the Labour party but what with the expenses scandal, phone hacking and Ed not saying much, there’s too much water under the bridge. Plus it would take ages to go up the party ranks. We shall be known as the Bleeding Heart Lefty Liberals. Or something.
2) Hand out leaflets, organise fundraisers, go on Newsnight. Maybe Question Time. Definitely Channel Four news.
3) Win the election.
4) Select my cabinet. As Jacq and Matt have been privy to my plans they get first dibs. Thus forth, Jacq Kelly shall be Chief Whip as well as leader of the House of Lords so she can wear her robes to the pub. She shall also be Minister for Disability to “reverse all the policy around disabled people, thus instantly improving the country by 100%”. Matthew Webb shall be Deputy Party Leader because it’s “something important but difficult to prove that I’m doing it badly. .. As old Cleggy is demonstrating, it is a job that requires almost no political skill, knowledge or experience and your responsibilities are basically zero”.
5) Get clever people in the cabinet. Camilla Batmanghelidjh can be Children and Young people’s minister because she talks sense and Ariel Levy can be Equalities minister as she’s awesome. But as Levy’s American, Owen Jones can job share. He can pull his “whaaaaaaaaaat???” face at the opposition when she’s away (see below).
7) Employ Naomi Klein as an economic advisor. Also David Miliband. For.. no reason…
8) Make everyone take compassion classes. If there’s one thing facebook taught me during the riots it’s that we really are hateful bastards.
9) Once in power I will ask all Daily Mail readers to take a citizenship test. This test will determine whether they just don’t know enough about the world (excusable) or if they’re purposely right wing (inexcusable). If it’s determined that they just don’t any know better, they’ll be forced to go on BBC Three’s Geordie Finishing School for Girls. And maybe that Secret Millionaire programme too. Well, we’ve got to be entertained during this transition. If they’re purposefully twats with no reasonable justification then I’m afraid they shall be asked to leave. To make sure these non-citizens are safely taken care of (this is a party of understanding and compassion after all) I’ll move them to the Isle of Sheppey where they can live their hateful lives in peace. But no NHS for them.
10) England will stop looking like a Shane Meadows film and start looking like that coke ad. Without the rampant consumerism of course.