Excellent; that’s that out of the way – I’m all stitched up and ready to go. What’s that you say? I have to look after it now? Well I’m a bit tired – I’ve been awake for 48 hours, have just been what I can only describe as bullied into getting a baby out of my body (yes, a person coming out of another person. That’s never right.) And I think I’ll just have a little snooze first. No I can’t? But… shit.
I can’t poo. Why can’t I poo?
You want to snip my stitches? On my sofa? Now? Oh I can sit down without wincing. That’s nice.
Right ok I’ve got the hang of this now – I stay at home, people bring me presents (well, they’re not really for me), make me tea… and all I have to do is breast feed this little thing? Easy life! OOOOOWWWWWWWIE OWWWW OOWWWWWW…. What the….??? Thrush of the nipple???? That does not exist. Oh it does. Bugger. It’s ok, I’ll use the pump for a while til it clears up and it’s ok, I only feel a little bit like a cow, don’t worry. Onwards and upwards.
Don’t sit babies on the work top to watch you do the washing up, even if you think they can’t fling themselves about crashing headfirst onto the kitchen floor. Just saying.
No, you cannot give my 5 month old baby lemon meringue pie. Roll your eyes at me and I will punch you in the face.
No, she doesn’t eat meat. Question me further and I will punch you in the face.
You’re not sure if this is what you wanted? Well it’s a bit late now, haha… oh, you’re going? Bye then.
I’m brilliant at this – I’ve got a two year old who is happy, bright, and almost always sleeps through the night! Well, til 6am, because apparently that IS morning now.
Is she too clingy though?
What if I haven’t given her enough cuddles?
What if I have given her too many cuddles?
What if I stopped breastfeeding her too soon?
I shouldn’t have gone back to work.
I should not have spent the first three months of her life watching The OC back to back.
I should have tried harder to be more like my 22 year old self and gone out socialising more, getting drunk, having sex with my boyfriend, and keeping the house clean and tidy whilst always managing to have dinner on the table when he got home, then she wouldn’t be from a broken home —– aaarrgghhh, now she’s going to fail at school, be angry, leave home, hate me… and it’s all my fault!
She makes me read every word in every book, including the publishing notes and the list of other books in the series. Why do you do that? Well, I couldn’t really think of a reason not to. Because you don’t want to? Yeah, that doesn’t seem to matter too much these days.
I don’t say no to her often enough. That will come back to bite me I expect.
So now she is at school. How did that happen?
AND SHE IS A CHILD GENIUS! See, I knew all that reading would pay off!
And she only occasionally beats me if I tell her no. (she’ll probably grow out of it…)
And don’t tell anyone but we almost always eat our tea with the telly on. (and I let her have pudding even if she hasn’t eaten it all)
And she has cold beans or frozen peas for breakfast every morning. (Who am I to argue?)
And she has only been to the hairdressers once in her life, to remove a rather impressive dreadlock. (She doesn’t like having her hair brushed.)
(Also, I’m pretty sure she has never had nits, but I’m rarely allowed close enough to check…)
And she comes into my bed at 4am nearly every night. And I let her.
I tried using the naughty step once. I think if Supernanny had seen how that went, she would have put me on it.
So anyway, Motherhood is great and I think the best advice I can give is get on with it, enjoy it, have a laugh, don’t worry, and learn to smile politely and ignore people when they think they know best. Even though they probably do.
And PS. Please don’t show me this when I am the proud owner of an out of control teenager. Although then I guess I could say ‘I told you so’ to myself, and that always feels good.