Job hunting

7 Sep

Matt Webb

The scene: an employment agency office. I enter and rap my knuckles on the desktop of the first person I come across.

 Me: One job, please!

Employment agency staff member: Ummm…

Me: I’m not fussy; I can turn my hand to most things. If you have any vacancies for a…err…manager…err…I could do that. Manage things. Do you need one round here?

EA: No… Do you have a CV with you?

Me: No, I deliver my CV via recitation.

(pause)

Me: Ask me about my qualifications! Go on!

EA: What are your qualifications?

Me: Post-Graduate degree from the University of Life, BOOM, next question!

(Employment consultant assumes the facial expression of one for whom everything has suddenly become clear).

EA: Oh. I see. Do you have any vocational skills?

Me: I am moderately competent in some kind of accounting.

EA: You’re an accountant?

Me: I didn’t say that.

EA: Are you studying for your accountancy qualifications?

Me: I thought about it. But, no.

EA: What area of accounts did you work in?

Me: Watches.

EA: That’s not a thing.

Me: So what have I been doing for the last 4 years??

EA: That’s what we’re trying to establish. Ok, so I’m going to assume that, since you have no qualifications in accounting and that you don’t actually know what area of accounting you were working in, that you were some kind of general accounts assistant.

Me: Bingo.

EA: Ok, so we may have some positions available that we can put you forward for. What kind of character traits do you think you have that will make you a desirable employee?

Me: Rapier-like wit.

EA: No.

Me: Sarcasm?

EA: No.

Me: Willing tea maker?

EA: Better…but no.

Me: I have nice hands.

(pause)

Me: I mean, not ‘hand model’ nice but definitely the kind of hands you might see in the office and think to yourself, “Hmm, nice hands.”

EA: Sir, I really think you should go and put together a proper CV, so we can have something solid to send around to potential employers.

Me: Impressed, eh? What’s to stop you putting your name at the top of my CV and reaping the benefits for yourself?

(pause)

EA: Trust me.

Me: You’d like that, wouldn’t you?

(long pause)

EA: Ok, so I think I have enough to be getting on with here. I’ll call you if any promising positions come up.

Me: Do you need my phone number or something?

EA: Of course, yes. Yes, we need that. Yes.

Me: I’ve a good feeling about this.

EA: Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

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