The League of Mediocrity

20 Sep

Matt Webb

The scene: The living room of Matt Webb’s flat. Matt Webb, Mai-Ling Collyer, Jacq Kelly and Ellie Hutchinson are discussing a recent dramatic event in their lives.

MW: Ok, so I’ve gathered you all here, as you know, to discuss the effects of the…umm…sorry…umm…oh, the radiation we were all exposed to the other weekend.

JK: Ha! Yeah, that was a good weekend!

MW: Yes. Yes it was. I must admit, when you suggested a visit to Sellafield I thought you meant some kind of guided tour, but breaking in at night and messing around with the reactor was just as much fun, if not better.

JK: Better like a FOX!

MW: What? Look, seriously, we have to discuss what we’re going to do about the powers we’ve developed as a result of this…thing. Accident, whatever. Hang on. Where’s Mai? (shouts) Mai!! Where’d you go?

M-LC: (shouts) I’m in the kitchen! I’m making brownies!

MW: (shouts) Brownies?? We’re meant to be having an important discussion!

M-LC:  (shouts) Yeah, just let me finish baking, then I’ll wash up and I’ll be with you!

MW: Jesus. Ok, anyway, us three might as well get started… Ellie, are you wearing my shirt?

EH: No…

MW: Yes, that is my shirt! And those are Jacq’s shoes! How did you…? I was wearing that shirt!

EH: Super powers, you know.

MW: Oh really? And what is your power? Witchcraft??

EH: (mumbles incoherently)

MW: Hmmm??

EH: Super sneakiness.

MW: Well, I suppose that explains it. Can you swap our clothes back now, please? Your vest top doesn’t fit me.

EH: I have to do it when you’re not looking or the whole sneakiness thing doesn’t really work. Carry on chatting and I’ll put it back when you’re not paying attention.


MW: Huh? And what is your power supposed to be? Tourette syndrome?

JK: No, I’m gifted with the power of super witty quick comebacks!

MW: “Better like a fox” and “Fuck-tard” are examples of that, are they?

JK: Examples of your mum.

MW: Ufff….Ok.

(Mai returns to the living room with a tray of brownies)

M-LC: Sorry about that everyone, I just really wanted to make some brownies before getting down to anything too serious. Matt, why are you wearing my dress?

MW: God damn it, Ellie!

EH: Sorry, I really couldn’t resist.

JK: Couldn’t resist a… ha…! Uhh… give me a minute and I’ll think of something…

MW: …

EH: …

M-LC: …

MW: So anyway, obviously we can’t let these amazing powers go to waste. So I thought that we should….you know….do something with them. Or something. I dunno.

EH: What is your power anyway?

MW: Umm, laziness…? Forgetfulness? General apathy? Something like that.

JK: Couldn’t resist a HAND SHANDY!!


EH: Oh, sweet Jesus.

JK: I don’t think my power is working.

MW: Yes, well, I don’t think there’s anything we can do about that. Can we get on…

JK: No! It’s not fair! I want a working super power!!

MW: Look, I’m sorry, but I think you’re just going to have to deal with it.

EH: Yeah, or we’ll just have to tell everyone that you power is being a whiny cry-baby.

JK: (pouts) I’m not a cry-baby…

M-LC: You can just keep practising the comebacks thing until you get the hang of it.

MW: Thank you, Mai. Good suggestion. Now, really, we should start thinking about how we can…

M-LC: Is University Challenge on?

MW: What??

M-LC: (peers over the top of a book she’s just started reading) I was just wondering if University Challenge was coming on later. I’ll want to watch that, but only if I’ve finished this book by then.

MW: So, you’re not a part of this discussion then? Where did that book come from anyway?

M-LC: Oh, yeah, definitely part of that whole discussion thing. I just….this is important. That I read this. It’s funny, I think you’d like it.

MW: Oh, really? What’s it about?

M-LC: The periodic table and…

JK: (still pouting) I thought we were meant to be talking about super powers?

M-LC: We are. I was getting to that. I was explaining about this book first and…

MW: It’s procrastination, isn’t it? Your super power?

M-LC: …yes…

EH: Is that useful?

M-LC: Oh, yes! You’d be surprised how often things sort themselves out while you’re busying yourself wasting time.

MW: That’s true, actually. Like when you were watching Songs of Praise while I was getting stung by that wasp.

M-LC: Exactly. If I hadn’t been watching Songs of Praise, it might have been ME that got stung.

JK: Yeah, stung in the…uh…with a…ah, shit.

MW: (pats Jacq on the back sympathetically) There, there.

JK: So how are we going to use these powers, anyway?

EH: Fight against our patriarchal society?

M-LC: (not looking up from her book) Ooh, yes, let’s do that! (turns a page)

JK: (shakes both fists above her head) Let’s fucking do it!!

EH: Well, that was easy!

MW: Whatevs.

EH: Is there a problem?

MW: No, no. Fight the patriarchy, wooo! I’m behind you one hundred and ten percent.

EH: Ok, so let’s go! How do we get started?

MW: I don’t know. I’m more of a big picture thinker, you know. We get powers and I’m all like, “Let’s use our powers for something!” and then I kind of thought that you guys would sort out the nuts and bolts of the whole operation. To be honest, I thought your powers might have been a bit better than they actually are.

EH: I think we can improvise. They’ll do.

MW: Mai, is there any tea to go with these brownies?

M-LC: Tea! Good idea! I’ll just finish this chapter, check my emails, have a little nap and then I’ll make some tea.

MW: (snores)

JK: Ellie, why is my underwear hanging from the light fitting?

EH: (leaps onto the arm of the sofa and, with both hands above her head, making a peace sign, shouts) GIRL FUCKING POWER!!


EH: You definitely need to practice those witticisms…

JK: PRACTICE THIS! (punches Ellie in the face)

EH: (rubs jaw) Better. Definitely better.

M-LC: (turns a page) Hmmm?

MW: (snores)

Part 2 coming soon!

5 Responses to “The League of Mediocrity”

  1. Jacq September 20, 2011 at 2:37 pm #

    I like this a lot, but am feeling a bit bad about punching Ellie on the face. Soz Ellie.

    • dance ricky dance September 21, 2011 at 12:09 pm #

      You are the unpredictable wild one. The rest of us have to expect a punch in the face from time to time. You’re like Wolverine. Ellie is more like Cyclops, because she’s a dick and no one really likes her.

      • dance ricky dance September 22, 2011 at 9:52 am #

        wait. what?! I’m totes jean grey.

    • dance ricky dance September 22, 2011 at 9:51 am #

      It’s alright hen. I called you a cry baby. And then said girl power. I’d have punched me too.

  2. Paul Forster September 21, 2011 at 12:28 pm #

    Actual bona fide, nonsense.

    Good work.

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