The scene: The living room of Matt Webb’s flat. Matt Webb, Mai-Ling Collyer, Jacq Kelly and Ellie Hutchinson are discussing a recent dramatic event in their lives.
MW: Ok, so I’ve gathered you all here, as you know, to discuss the effects of the…umm…sorry…umm…oh, the radiation we were all exposed to the other weekend.
JK: Ha! Yeah, that was a good weekend!
MW: Yes. Yes it was. I must admit, when you suggested a visit to Sellafield I thought you meant some kind of guided tour, but breaking in at night and messing around with the reactor was just as much fun, if not better.
JK: Better like a FOX!
MW: What? Look, seriously, we have to discuss what we’re going to do about the powers we’ve developed as a result of this…thing. Accident, whatever. Hang on. Where’s Mai? (shouts) Mai!! Where’d you go?
M-LC: (shouts) I’m in the kitchen! I’m making brownies!
MW: (shouts) Brownies?? We’re meant to be having an important discussion!
M-LC: (shouts) Yeah, just let me finish baking, then I’ll wash up and I’ll be with you!
MW: Jesus. Ok, anyway, us three might as well get started… Ellie, are you wearing my shirt?
MW: Yes, that is my shirt! And those are Jacq’s shoes! How did you…? I was wearing that shirt!
EH: Super powers, you know.
MW: Oh really? And what is your power? Witchcraft??
EH: (mumbles incoherently)
EH: Super sneakiness.
MW: Well, I suppose that explains it. Can you swap our clothes back now, please? Your vest top doesn’t fit me.
EH: I have to do it when you’re not looking or the whole sneakiness thing doesn’t really work. Carry on chatting and I’ll put it back when you’re not paying attention.
JK: Yeah, FUCK-TARD!!
MW: Huh? And what is your power supposed to be? Tourette syndrome?
JK: No, I’m gifted with the power of super witty quick comebacks!
MW: “Better like a fox” and “Fuck-tard” are examples of that, are they?
JK: Examples of your mum.
(Mai returns to the living room with a tray of brownies)
M-LC: Sorry about that everyone, I just really wanted to make some brownies before getting down to anything too serious. Matt, why are you wearing my dress?
MW: God damn it, Ellie!
EH: Sorry, I really couldn’t resist.
JK: Couldn’t resist a… ha…! Uhh… give me a minute and I’ll think of something…
MW: So anyway, obviously we can’t let these amazing powers go to waste. So I thought that we should….you know….do something with them. Or something. I dunno.
EH: What is your power anyway?
MW: Umm, laziness…? Forgetfulness? General apathy? Something like that.
JK: Couldn’t resist a HAND SHANDY!!
EH: Oh, sweet Jesus.
JK: I don’t think my power is working.
MW: Yes, well, I don’t think there’s anything we can do about that. Can we get on…
JK: No! It’s not fair! I want a working super power!!
MW: Look, I’m sorry, but I think you’re just going to have to deal with it.
EH: Yeah, or we’ll just have to tell everyone that you power is being a whiny cry-baby.
JK: (pouts) I’m not a cry-baby…
M-LC: You can just keep practising the comebacks thing until you get the hang of it.
MW: Thank you, Mai. Good suggestion. Now, really, we should start thinking about how we can…
M-LC: Is University Challenge on?
M-LC: (peers over the top of a book she’s just started reading) I was just wondering if University Challenge was coming on later. I’ll want to watch that, but only if I’ve finished this book by then.
MW: So, you’re not a part of this discussion then? Where did that book come from anyway?
M-LC: Oh, yeah, definitely part of that whole discussion thing. I just….this is important. That I read this. It’s funny, I think you’d like it.
MW: Oh, really? What’s it about?
M-LC: The periodic table and…
JK: (still pouting) I thought we were meant to be talking about super powers?
M-LC: We are. I was getting to that. I was explaining about this book first and…
MW: It’s procrastination, isn’t it? Your super power?
EH: Is that useful?
M-LC: Oh, yes! You’d be surprised how often things sort themselves out while you’re busying yourself wasting time.
MW: That’s true, actually. Like when you were watching Songs of Praise while I was getting stung by that wasp.
M-LC: Exactly. If I hadn’t been watching Songs of Praise, it might have been ME that got stung.
JK: Yeah, stung in the…uh…with a…ah, shit.
MW: (pats Jacq on the back sympathetically) There, there.
JK: So how are we going to use these powers, anyway?
EH: Fight against our patriarchal society?
M-LC: (not looking up from her book) Ooh, yes, let’s do that! (turns a page)
JK: (shakes both fists above her head) Let’s fucking do it!!
EH: Well, that was easy!
EH: Is there a problem?
MW: No, no. Fight the patriarchy, wooo! I’m behind you one hundred and ten percent.
EH: Ok, so let’s go! How do we get started?
MW: I don’t know. I’m more of a big picture thinker, you know. We get powers and I’m all like, “Let’s use our powers for something!” and then I kind of thought that you guys would sort out the nuts and bolts of the whole operation. To be honest, I thought your powers might have been a bit better than they actually are.
EH: I think we can improvise. They’ll do.
MW: Mai, is there any tea to go with these brownies?
M-LC: Tea! Good idea! I’ll just finish this chapter, check my emails, have a little nap and then I’ll make some tea.
JK: Ellie, why is my underwear hanging from the light fitting?
EH: (leaps onto the arm of the sofa and, with both hands above her head, making a peace sign, shouts) GIRL FUCKING POWER!!
JK: GIRL PUNCHING FUCK POWER!! YES!!
EH: You definitely need to practice those witticisms…
JK: PRACTICE THIS! (punches Ellie in the face)
EH: (rubs jaw) Better. Definitely better.
M-LC: (turns a page) Hmmm?
Part 2 coming soon!