30 things to do with your bits

22 Sep

Jacq Kelly, Matt Webb and Ellie Hutchinson

Lady magazines are always full of tip top advice and today we stumbled upon a list of 50 things to do with your breasts. For reals. It was primarily ridiculous. So here are our top 30 things to do with a) breasts and b) cocks.

Breasts

1)    They can be a useful place to keep your bras when they’re not in your underwear drawer

2)   Do the truffle shuffle! Nothing is more hilarious than shaking all your lady lumps. It’s a great way to break the ice in formal  situations

2)     Attach tassels to them and whirl them around a Gentleman’s club

3)    Use them as a handy pen holder

4)     Close doors- they can serve as great pushing devices when you’ve got your hands full

5)     They make a great resting place for your cat. Purrrrfect!

6)     Turn your torso into a face. Draw a smile on your belly to create some laughs in the bedroom

7)     Mesmerise those that are usually mesmerised by breasts

8)     Breasts are great to touch. Go for it!

10)  I have heard they can be used to… y’know… pleasure a man… but I have only tried it  once and it was OK but not great

11) Kiss

12) Cover them in UV paint and scare your loved ones at night

13) If you have larger boobs, try resting a book or your dinner on them. They make a perfect ledge

14) Nipple fish. When wearing baggy jumpers, ask people to find where your nipple is under all that fabric. Fun times!

15) Feed a baby

Cock

1)     Pee

2)     Here’s a game for lazy Sunday afternoons; ask your partner to guess whether it’s cock or balls under your trousers.

3)     Leave a scent for dogs to follow in case you get lost in the forest

4)  Re-fashion the shape of trousers around crotch area

5)     Make a lady/gentleman very happy indeed

6)   Draw in the snow/sand/dust

7)      Improve your core muscle strength by attaching weights to it

8)      Do impressions of a frigate bird by painting your balls red

9)      Use the ammonia in your pee to make sure your plants are getting enough nutrients. Think of it as a watering can

10)  In meetings, why not use it as a pointer? You’ll certainly stand out from the crowd

11)  Attach your nation’s flag to the end of it and bury it in sand- you now have a castle

12)  You might want to cover it in fairy lights for the festive season. It will make a great centre piece for your Christmas dinner

13)  Spunk

14)  For chaps with foreskin- why not use this extra pocket to carry lose change? If you are sans skin- how about sellotaping it on? It’s a great way free up space in your wallet

15) Use it for hilarious gags:

Girlfriend: Oh, you have a tattoo on your penis that says “WHUFC”

Bloke: Yeah, but when I’m excited it says “West Ham United Football Club”

Girlfriend: Wow, really???

Bloke: No.

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