Some things that won’t exist in the feminist utopia I am planning

7 Nov

Ellie Hutchinson

I have big ambitions. I wrote about my grand plan to become PM a while back and those ideas are slowly coming to fruition. Mainly, I thought about going to the Labour conference. With that in mind, and a hangover day in front of the TV, here are some things that definitely won’t exist when I take charge.

1)      Misfit’s perception that rape=natural man behaviour

Misfits is a show I generally like. But, Christ, they’ve got a man problem.  Yes, they got rid of the fact that Alisha’s superpower was the ability to be raped, but man alive, they do hate men. According to the writers almost every man is a rapist in waiting- show him a drunk/hot/available woman and he’s all about the raping, you can’t stop him. He’s a rape machine. I’m a lady and this infuriates me. If I was a man I would be raging, as apparently you’re all potential rapists. Nice.

In it’s place: Misfits. Minus the rapeyness.

2)      Double standards on the X factor.

You know what Frankie Cocozza is good for? No, It’s not fingering a girl whilst eating a kebab on Oxford Street, no no no-he’s good at being an example. I sometimes work with young people to talk to them about gender. In my experience, most young people (also- adults) don’t like to admit that there are different rules for girls and boys. However, something that’s been very handy of late is Frankie Coccozza. (i.e- picture Frankie as a girl. A girl with boys names on her arse. A girl with a propensity to feel people up in front of the paps. Would she be on the x factor? Would Barlow talk up her antics with a twinkle in his eye? Answer: No).

In it’s place: Tricky. Do we want a return of the ladette? Or should we agree to just do away with meaningless sex and alcohol fuelled nights out? Ahahahaha! No. I propose that in its place, for every man Frankie, there should be a lady Frankie too. And Gary Barlow would love them equally.

3)      Every single advert for WKD

Picture this. Being a lady, you’re spending the evening doing lady things;  having a bath, lighting candles, reading Jackie/Hello/Cosmo, listening to late night local radio  and your oaf of a man comes in and uses the toilet. What a scoundrel right?!! And so loveable?!! He’s a proper bloke! And all because he’s the type of bloke to drink that famously blokey drink, WKD. Eugh. No.

In it’s place: Advertisers would stop trying to de-feminise everything.There would be no such thing as not for girls, tough bollocks, power moisturising, porn in a pint or whatever techniques they use to get REAL MEN to buy their products.  We’d just buy things because we like them, rather than to define our gender identities.

4)      Lady mags

As mentioned above, I occasionally work with young people. One of the things I do (other than talk about the x factor) is look at magazines. Some of these magazines are in my flat, waiting to be cut up and talked about by teenagers. Preparing for these sessions is one of the only things I don’t like about my job. You’d think reading magazines all afternoon would be fun right? A cushy day at work? You’d be wrong. It is SOUL DESTROYING. I spend the next five hours alternatively hating myself  and the world.

In it’s place: Interesting magazines that don’t tell you a hundred ways to hate yourself.

5)      Jeremy Clarkson.

In amongst the X factor marathon that was my Sunday, I accidentally watched some Top Gear. I don’t mind cars, I don’t mind Eric Bana talking about cars but I fucking hate Jeremy Clarkson. My blood is literally boiling at the thought of him. And I don’t mean that in a Clueless “I was literally angry” kind of way, I mean, my blood is actually boiling.

In it’s place: Top Gear. Without the misogyny.

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One Response to “Some things that won’t exist in the feminist utopia I am planning”

  1. Webbo November 8, 2011 at 2:22 pm #

    Frankie Cockface V-Neck is on my shit list. I’d burn him if I had the chance. Burn him to the ground.

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