We don’t really do interviews on this website. Partly because no one wants to waste their time giving interviews to people writing for a website with a readership of fourteen, but MOSTLY because we care about other people’s opinions in the same way David Cameron cares what Nick Clegg thinks about the policies of the Coalition Government.
However, I was recently given an opportunity for an interview that I just couldn’t turn down. It’s quite a scoop by anyone’s standards. Please enjoy the details of my interview with the one, the only, Our Lord God.
God materialises before my very eyes
Me: Wow. WOW! It’s actually you!
God: Yes, it’s me. You prayed and I answered. It’s kind of my thing.
Me: Yeah, but, what about the time when I was 12 and hadn’t done my homework and I prayed for school to be cancelled the next day? I got shouted at and given detention, so that prayer went unanswered.
God: Well, you see, the thing is…ugh, this is going to ruin my credibility somewhat. Ok, look. Obviously, I’m God, with all the knowledge and power that brings, right?
Me: Omnipotence, omnivorous and so forth? Omniscient.
God: Right. So, technically I can do anything and everything, any time I like. But, you know… Answering prayers turns out to be a bit of a drag. You know yourself how it is. You know that you can be busy and responsible and caring and so on but when it gets right down to the nitty gritty, wouldn’t you rather just relax and have fun?
Me: Sure, of course. I’m 100% with you. Especially when you can use your powers to sneak a look at Natalie Portman in the nude.
God nods enthusiastically
Me: So how come you replied to this prayer in particular?
God: Well, I realised a couple of thousand years back that I just plain did not want to keep responding to all the ridiculous prayers people were bombarding me with. Like that guy Samson, for example. “Oh Lord, grant me the strength to smite your enemies!” Which, yeah, I granted and everything but…I mean, were they really my enemies or were they just victims of Samson’s anger management issues? Some of those Philistines were alright! And Samson! Let me tell you, he’d twist your head right off just for looking at him funny.
Me: To be honest, I’d probably be pretty angry if my awesome powers came at the price of having a ridiculous pony tail, like a little girl.
God: I was trying to moderate him! I thought if he could keep his hair at shoulder length and content himself with being stronger than average he’d be happy enough. But…well, you know what happened.
Me: I think we’re getting away from the point here.
God: Right, I was explaining the prayer system. So, my first plan was to send down a prophet to act as a bit of a middle man and to try to clear up some of the more common misconceptions about the whole religion business. Reassure people that I was working in their best interests and so forth.
Me: This would be Jesus?
God: That’s the chap. Anyway, that was the first plan and didn’t that turn out to be a total disaster? Not only did they send him back tortured to death, but they also set up a whole new religion, which meant I was inundated with even MORE prayers!
God: I know, right? So anyway, what I eventually decided was that I would set up a lottery type scheme. All the prayers would be collected by my admin department and one prayer would be selected at random every week which I would agree to answer. And this week you were the lucky one!
At this point God hands me a sheet of A4 paper with the words “Dear God, if you exist, please can you meet me for an interview at 7pm, Boxing Day in the car park of Frankie & Benny’s in Beckton, East London? Thanks, Matt Webb” printed on it.
Me: And so here we are outside Frankie & Benny’s! Have you eaten?
God: Yes, I had an early tea.
Me: Me too. I actually asked you to meet me here because I knew I wanted calzone for dinner.
God: Ooh, good choice.
Me: Thanks. What did you have?
Me: Mmmm, yum.
Both pause to think about BBQ ribs
Me: I actually had some important questions I was going to ask you.
Me: I’m afraid I didn’t really come up with these myself. I don’t believe in you so I was finding it hard to think of anything worthwhile, so I looked up “popular questions for God” on Google and these are the questions that came up.
God: Fire away.
Me: Why don’t you stop pain and evil?
God: Ouch! Too hard, next question.
Me: I’m going to have to press you for an answer….
God: Ugh. Can I come back to it?
Me: Sure. Next one: Can love really work?
God: What?!?! Is that for real?
Me: Yes, apparently that’s number two on the list.
God: But they could ask me literally anything…?
Me: I know! It’s pretty weak, huh?
God: Well, I can finally answer the first question. I allow pain and evil to exist because there’s a strong chance something evil and painful will happen to the people that are going around asking God if love can really work.
Me: Nice! Strong answer! Ok, next: Sex – do you approve?
God: What the fu…? Where did you get these questions from again?
Me: It’s the first website that comes up when you type “questions for God” into Google. I’m not kidding.
God: Ok, well then, yes. I approve. When it’s done right it certainly takes some beating.
Me: What, you mean S&M?
Me: Sorry. Wires crossed. Ok, number four: Is the occult real?
God: You mean like someone performing magic? Coming back to life after they were tortured, crucified and sealed in a cave behind a rock, that sort of thing?
Me: I see what you’re saying. Is heaven real?
God: (sings) They say in heaven love comes first, we’ll make heaven a place on earth. Ooh heaven is a place on earth!
Me: You’re saying heaven is on Earth?
God: No, no. I just really like Belinda Carlisle. Heaven doesn’t actually exist as a place you can actually get to. That’s where the Greek gods let themselves down. They all lived on Mount Olympus. They could have gotten away with the batshit crazy stuff they got up to if people hadn’t been able to just go to Mount Olympus and see for themselves that they didn’t exist.
Me: That doesn’t make any sense.
God: None of this does.
Me: Right enough. Hmm. So, is there a hell?
God: Oh yes. After all the threats in my books, I’d look pretty foolish if bad people didn’t get punished.
Me: But you just said that heaven didn’t exist..?
God: Which is not to say that it isn’t real.
Me: I think this is getting a bit beyond me… Am I going to hell?
God: Umm, I’d have to look up your notes, but I’m pretty sure you are, yes.
Me: Oh. Shitballs.
God: Yeah, sorry.
God disappears in a puff of glitter and sparkles
Me: What a nice chap.