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The 100 Dames of Pvt. O’Rourke

29 Sep

Matt Webb

Inspired by the superb headlines of 1950s magazine ‘Man’s Life‘, Dance Ricky Dance proudly presents “The 100 Dames of Pvt. O’Rourke.” This is the first in a series of writings by the DRD columnists based on the headlines of this magnificent publication. Enjoy!

The 100 Dames of Pvt. O’Rourke

Private O’Rourke ducked into a narrow alley and hid in a shady doorway. He crouched on the balls of his feet, trying to ease his laboured breathing and slow his heart, which was hammering at the inside of his ribcage like a…well… a hammer, essentially. He cocked his head, straining his hearing for the slightest sound that would indicate that his pursuers were gaining on him. His head was swimming; his thoughts inevitably turning back to the fateful day a mere week ago, when his life had changed forever…

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The League of Mediocrity

20 Sep

Matt Webb

The scene: The living room of Matt Webb’s flat. Matt Webb, Mai-Ling Collyer, Jacq Kelly and Ellie Hutchinson are discussing a recent dramatic event in their lives.

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Dos and dont’s of dating.

19 Sep

Jacq Kelly

In response to this on dating Mark Hamill, here are the do’s and dont’s of dating Jacq Kelly.

Be a c*** Have one
Ever think it is ok to say a single word in defence of Nick Clegg Have the grace to ‘forget’ that I was ever a member of the Liberal Democrats, and know that whatever basic truths I got wrong in the past, now I am right about everything
Be a better writer than me Feel free to be a better shag than me
Ever tell me the end of the book/film/box set. Seriously. Listen with your ears – if I say I don’t want to hear it I damn-well mean it.
Be a white person in charge of a black worker’s union Be tolerant
Ever put the milk in before the water Put the water on the tea bag as it comes to the boil
Smoke Drink
Be religious Worship me
Talk loudly on buses Always have a wee snack to hand in case I get peckish on journeys
Live in a closet Like the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe

Job hunting

7 Sep

Matt Webb

The scene: an employment agency office. I enter and rap my knuckles on the desktop of the first person I come across.

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A Fish Diet: One Man’s Attempt to Overthrow the Penguin King

30 Aug

 Matt Webb

So, I got into this whole discussion about penguins. You know when you’re absolutely certain that you’re right about something, but you don’t want to just look it up in a book or on the internet or something in case you find out you’re wrong? I had that. So, there are Emperor Penguins and there are King Penguins. My argument was that there must also be a penguin king. I forget why I was so certain of this. My friend, who I was arguing with, told me that I was being fucking ridiculous. Red rag to a bull.

The following are excerpts taken from my book, A Fish Diet: One Man’s Attempt to Overthrow the Penguin King. The book itself consisted of journal entries during my long solitary study of penguin behaviour in the wild and my efforts to become their king. Please enjoy. Continue reading

Nemesis. Part One; Alien Terrorists.

16 Aug

Matt Webb

“I love the smell of Edinburgh in the morning,” I muttered to myself for the fifteenth time as I moved swiftly and nimbly through the residential streets of the New Town. I was pleased to have made a remark that had such a badass ring to it, and was annoyed that no one had overheard me yet. I considered raising my voice and trying it for a sixteenth time in an effort to strike fear and awe into the hearts of the school children waiting at the bus stop across the road, but decided I should focus on the job in hand.

The task I was in Edinburgh to perform was to confront and defeat my nemesis; Jacq Kelly. We had been corresponding via email for a number of months. It took a mind as sharp as mine to realise that hidden beneath the seemingly casual remarks about Edinburgh tourism and popular culture, lurked a terrifying coded message that preached nothing but hate and destruction. It was time to put a stop to this monster, before it was too late. Continue reading


2 Aug

Matt Webb

What is this?

This warm, brown liquid?

I am almost certain that I requested a cup of tea.

Milk, one sugar.

This tastes almost compost-like.

There is a definite suggestion of rotting vegetation.

I can’t even think what there is in the kitchen that you could have used to make it taste this way.

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My vagina does not make me unable to alphabetise

15 Jun

Lucy Jackson

I am currently hugely disorganised in my current temp job.  Largely because of the dull nature of the tasks at hand I find myself daydreaming about those Vivienne Westwood shoes with the heart on….do I like them more than the one with the globe on…and in what shade…pastels would be great with my skinny jeans but the black ones would match everything….sorry, there I go again.  Anyway, having been caught out by a senior male member of staff for being disorganised I was a little shamefaced.  He had come to collect some paperwork and instead of deftly picking through the alphabetised crop and locating his work with ease I instead floundered around in a box of hundreds of identical dis-organised papers.    In my attempt to save face I exclaimed “I apologise, it’s rather a unique filing system”.  To which he responded “Yeah, a woman’s filing system.”


Dr Who is rubbish

27 Apr

Matt Webb

I was watching the BBC breakfast news on Saturday morning (now that I am well into my late twenties this is the kind of thing that I do with my weekends.) Amongst all the genuine news events that were being reported was a 5 minute section on the new Doctor Who series that was just starting that evening. Continue reading

The broken leg diaries. Lovely.

17 Apr

Ellie Hutchinson

This week I shall mostly be bipedal. Very exciting. After two months of hobbling about I have learnt some vital things Continue reading