Set up: Chuck is a one hour programme on channel 5 about a normal man who has some sort of spy wear in his brain. I didn’t really get how or why, but there are video cameras in his bedroom, and he has a terminator style face recognition thing going on.
Characters: Everybody is absolutely beautiful. But also really not. They’re kind of..waxy. No facial movements or pores here people. Apart from Chuck! And his friends who are clearly lifted from the 40 year old virgin. Annoyingly, NO PAUL RUDD. -10 points Continue reading
I have big ambitions. I wrote about my grand plan to become PM a while back and those ideas are slowly coming to fruition. Mainly, I thought about going to the Labour conference. With that in mind, and a hangover day in front of the TV, here are some things that definitely won’t exist when I take charge.
1) Misfit’s perception that rape=natural man behaviour Continue reading
I’ve had some problems today. Problems with the WORLD. It’s really quite annoying. My day has consisted of; reading rubbish claiming that hate speech is fine as long as you sing it; writing letters in response to some right wing fruit loop tell me what to do with my uterus; reading nonsense about why women should be as pretty as possible to get ahead and seeing children’s clothes that say “I’m too pretty to do math” and “my brother does my homework for me”. Seriously. You guys… What’s wrong with people?! To paraphrase Simon Amstell “didn’t we have this conversation?” . Didn’t we decide that sexism isn’t ok? You know, in the 70’s.
What’s that?.. oh.. we didn’t. So..we’re all totally fine with it? Right…Good to know.
It’s annoying more than anything else. How can sensible people with brains still have these stupid conversations? Seriously. How? Continue reading
So, I see that in finding a new Dragon to replace James Caan in the Den, whoever was responsible for deciding on the replacement took the “dragon” part literally.
In fact, looking at Hilary Devey with her spindly withered talons branching out from those magnificent shoulder pads beneath that giant, giant head, I am put in mind of one of the greatest characters in literary history: Continue reading
I am painfully middle aged. If I’m lucky. This means I must live till 76 which considering I already look like someone has scribbled Alan Sugar’s face on a scrotum is perhaps unlikely. However, despite this facial grizzling and other symptoms of middle age – inexplicable ear-hair, escalated hangovers, inability to follow Hollyoaks – I wouldn’t trade these for the opportunity to return to teenage, a la 13 Going on 30. Whilst ‘in my day’ it was possible to sneak through these awkward, at times embarrassing years in relatively undocumented anonymity, this privilege has been deemed illegal within our celeb-governed dystopian present. When not subject to panoptic gawping by parents (who summarily become the subject of our gawping) whilst trying to tipsily cop-off on holiday in Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents, teens are being goaded to prod their penises via webcam in Embarrassing Bodies or discuss oral sex with their peers without giggling on the The Sex Education Show.
Unless you’ve been living in a cave for several years you will know that the reality TV show is lord and master of television networks everywhere. Although soaps still have their place on television, they are no longer what my work colleagues gossip about around the coffee machine every morning. Instead, there is endless discussion on the subject of Jersey Shore, The Hills and of course The Only Way Is Essex.
Ellie has mentioned in a previous article the way masculinity is represented in various reality shows. I will leave gender issues to Ellie, seeing as she is a professional and knows way more about it than I ever will. What I hope to be able to address in this article is the subject of idiots and their portrayal in reality TV show.
Reality TV shows are popular with producers because they are cheap to make. When you think about the costs involved in making, for example, a high quality period drama or even a low quality soap opera, it’s no surprise that more and more producers seem to be saying, “Fuck it, let’s just get a bunch of idiots together and give a prize to the one that displays the greatest understanding of basic concepts.”
Lately there’s been something of an explosion of babies in advertising. I don’t mean adverts featuring exploding babies. That would be amazing. Too amazing to ever exist, God dammit. I mean I can’t turn on the TV lately without being subjected to the sight of a baby doing something that babies can’t actually do. Dance, talk, operate high tech weaponry; the lot. Continue reading
Television advertising is a powerful instrument for controlling the minds of the idiot public. If you’re not careful you can be suckered into believing anything Eva Longoria/Jamie Oliver/a cartoon dog tells you. BE STRONG! If TV networks and advertising media companies want to stop people skipping past their stupid adverts with their Sky+ then it’s time they stop and have a think about some of the garbage they use to try to sell products. Stop giving money to these people – they will soon learn.
The following is part one of a two part list of advertising campaigns that make me want to melt my eyeballs with a blowtorch. I REFUSE to give these people my money until they can produce an advert that I can sit through without punching something. Continue reading