Set up: Chuck is a one hour programme on channel 5 about a normal man who has some sort of spy wear in his brain. I didn’t really get how or why, but there are video cameras in his bedroom, and he has a terminator style face recognition thing going on.
Characters: Everybody is absolutely beautiful. But also really not. They’re kind of..waxy. No facial movements or pores here people. Apart from Chuck! And his friends who are clearly lifted from the 40 year old virgin. Annoyingly, NO PAUL RUDD. -10 points Continue reading
So Halloween is upon us. Yay and eugh. Yay, because I’m dressing up like a gigantic pumpkin and eugh, because, well, Halloween is like the day the last 30 years forgot. Basically, it’s awful for women. Now, I try not to dwell too much on HOW SEXIST THE WORLD IS when I’m not at work, so that I can cope/live in the world/not tear my skin off. I recently tried to compile a weekly list of non-douchey types to counter the horrible misogyny that is pop culture. Alas, pop culture hates women. Surprise! However, I am yet to give up on the idea that most of us aren’t arseholes, so my new tactic is to pretend that we already live in an egalitarian utopia and that sexism is actually hilarious (you know, instead of rape jokes). So, with that in mind, here are my top five hilarious fancy dress outfits. Continue reading
Jacq Kelly, Matt Webb and Ellie Hutchinson
Lady magazines are always full of tip top advice and today we stumbled upon a list of 50 things to do with your breasts. For reals. It was primarily ridiculous. So here are our top 30 things to do with a) breasts and b) cocks.
1) They can be a useful place to keep your bras when they’re not in your underwear drawer
2) Do the truffle shuffle! Nothing is more hilarious than shaking all your lady lumps. It’s a great way to break the ice in formal situations
2) Attach tassels to them and whirl them around a Gentleman’s club
3) Use them as a handy pen holder
4) Close doors- they can serve as great pushing devices when you’ve got your hands full Continue reading
I’ve had some problems today. Problems with the WORLD. It’s really quite annoying. My day has consisted of; reading rubbish claiming that hate speech is fine as long as you sing it; writing letters in response to some right wing fruit loop tell me what to do with my uterus; reading nonsense about why women should be as pretty as possible to get ahead and seeing children’s clothes that say “I’m too pretty to do math” and “my brother does my homework for me”. Seriously. You guys… What’s wrong with people?! To paraphrase Simon Amstell “didn’t we have this conversation?” . Didn’t we decide that sexism isn’t ok? You know, in the 70’s.
What’s that?.. oh.. we didn’t. So..we’re all totally fine with it? Right…Good to know.
It’s annoying more than anything else. How can sensible people with brains still have these stupid conversations? Seriously. How? Continue reading
This week I’ve been mainly angry. Furious in fact. David Cameron is a total tool box, Nick Clegg is just a dick and Ed Miliband seems to have forgotten that he’s the leader of a social justice party. The policies and responses to the riots are, as my manfriend quite rightly said, “like they asked a random crazy person in the pub to talk about criminals.” So, instead of impotently raging against the machine, I’ve decided there’s only one solution. I should become P.M.
Here’s my 10 step plan.
1) Create a new party. I am a member of the Labour party but what with the expenses scandal, phone hacking and Ed not saying much, there’s too much water under the bridge. Plus it would take ages to go up the party ranks. We shall be known as the Bleeding Heart Lefty Liberals. Or something. Continue reading
Pet shops are like hairdressers and local clubs. Great puns, shabby exteriors and weird smells. I’ve already written about my love of local club names, so now I’m going to give you my top five Edinburgh based pet shops.
2) Pet, Set, Go
3) Doggone Purrfect
4) Taking the lead (it’s actually in Dunfermline, but come on!)
5) Doggy Style (whaaaaat?!)
Shockingly, there is no Paws for thought.
Jacq and Ellie take on eating alone. Lady style.(NB: not a euphemism)
Candlelight is best enjoyed alone – sometimes maybe with a book for company, and pretty much always with a nice glass of wine and a tasty plate of nosh. Apart from anything, a candle in the middle of the table can often seem to be burning a hole in the face of your dining partner. That’s some sinister shit.
This week I shall mostly be bipedal. Very exciting. After two months of hobbling about I have learnt some vital things Continue reading
Do you love trashy romance novels? Do you also enjoy serialised stories? Well, you saucy Dickens devil, so does Ellie. So much so she’s written a Jackie Collins-esque series. Enjoy.
MANTRA. Part one.
A tale of revenge, intrigue and romance.
Lucia DeMelles: A hardworking prosecutor with enemies in the city
Charlie Symmonds: A fierce surgeon with heels to match
Two women who changed many lives.
Someone has a new mantra.
A mantra of DEATH.
The courtroom room fan swirled overhead as the first witness was called. A middle aged woman approached the box nervously toying with the gold ring on her finger. Lucia quickly glanced over the witnesses’ original statement. Her testimony wasn’t crucial to the case, but Lucia knew everything had to be watertight. The defence lawyers were known as soulless sharks in this town, and as chief prosecutor, her reputation, as well as the case, were at stake. Continue reading
Being the kind of gal who keeps her finger on the pulse of pop culture, I recently watched series one of Mad Men. I know, I’m totally zeitgeisty. Here are my top four thoughts on it: Continue reading