Tag Archives: matt

Summer style guide

24 May

Matt Webb

Summer’s here! And you know what that means! You can finally show off your rocking bod. But there’s the right way of doing it and then there’s the wrong way. Here at Dance Ricky Dance, we see it as our duty to prevent people from falling into common summer style traps.

Follow the below advice and make this the BEST SUMMER EVER!

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Common Sense: Being a Tourist in the UK

25 Jan

 Matt Webb

If you’re a regular reader of this blog (ie. you are one of the columnists or you are the partner/spouse of one of the columnists) you might have read my “common sense” rant about proper public transport etiquette. If you didn’t read it and can’t be bothered to click on that link I’ve helpfully provided then you can A. go to hell and B. take my word for it that is was pure gold.

So confident am I in the quality of my common sense advice that I’ve decided to make a second column dedicated to the proper way to conduct yourself as a tourist in the UK. I promise it’s not racist (much.)

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Glitter, sparkles and god. An interview.

28 Dec

Matt Webb

We don’t really do interviews on this website. Partly because no one wants to waste their time giving interviews to people writing for a website with a readership of fourteen, but MOSTLY because we care about other people’s opinions in the same way David Cameron cares what Nick Clegg thinks about the policies of the Coalition Government.

However, I was recently given an opportunity for an interview that I just couldn’t turn down. It’s quite a scoop by anyone’s standards. Please enjoy the details of my interview with the one, the only, Our Lord God.

 God materialises before my very eyes Continue reading

Christmas: A love-hate relationship

13 Dec

Matt Webb

I fucking love Christmas. Love. It.

A couple of years ago, I was telling a colleague of mine how excited I was about the approaching festive season and to my everlasting dismay, shame and fury, she told me she was surprised that I liked Christmas. Apparently I come across to people as just the miserable sort of shit that will have a downer on this joyous time of year. Continue reading

The great debate: Getting old.

21 Nov

In this great debate, Rob and Matt ask- age, what’s that all about then?

Matt Webb

In case you didn’t know, Ellie turned thirty the other day. THIRTY! To give you an idea of how large a number that is, try counting up to it using your fingers. You run out of fingers after ten. If you are the character Goofy from the old Disney cartoons, your toes will now break through the ends of your shoes and you will continue to count your way up to twenty. So far, so good. Now what you have to do is remember that you’ve gotten as far as twenty and go back to your fingers to count out the remaining ten needed to take you up to thirty. I’m only twenty nine. That, if you’ve followed the method correctly, leaves the little finger waving free, not weighed down by an imaginary number denoting a year of life. Continue reading

Common Sense: Using Public Transport (part two)

24 Oct

 

Matt Webb

You can read part one of our common sense guide to using public transport here.

Please enjoy part two, entitled:

Your kids aren’t special

Not many people know this, but I am actually a Satanist. It’s a lifestyle choice I made a few years back, and I’ve had no real reason to regret it (apart from the nightmares. Dear God, the nightmares!) The trouble with practising Devil worship is that there is an awful lot of noise, mess and paraphernalia involved in carrying out the rituals.

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Common Sense: Using Public Transport (part one)

11 Oct

 Matt Webb

Hello friends. Ask anyone that knows me and they’ll be able to tell you that I am a deep well of common sense knowledge, in a “don’t do as I do, do as I tell you” kind of way. I have decided that it is selfish of me to keep all of these pearls of wisdom to myself. It’s time I shared my knowledge with the world, starting with:

How to use public transport

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The 100 Dames of Pvt. O’Rourke

29 Sep

Matt Webb

Inspired by the superb headlines of 1950s magazine ‘Man’s Life‘, Dance Ricky Dance proudly presents “The 100 Dames of Pvt. O’Rourke.” This is the first in a series of writings by the DRD columnists based on the headlines of this magnificent publication. Enjoy!

The 100 Dames of Pvt. O’Rourke

Private O’Rourke ducked into a narrow alley and hid in a shady doorway. He crouched on the balls of his feet, trying to ease his laboured breathing and slow his heart, which was hammering at the inside of his ribcage like a…well… a hammer, essentially. He cocked his head, straining his hearing for the slightest sound that would indicate that his pursuers were gaining on him. His head was swimming; his thoughts inevitably turning back to the fateful day a mere week ago, when his life had changed forever…

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30 things to do with your bits

22 Sep

Jacq Kelly, Matt Webb and Ellie Hutchinson

Lady magazines are always full of tip top advice and today we stumbled upon a list of 50 things to do with your breasts. For reals. It was primarily ridiculous. So here are our top 30 things to do with a) breasts and b) cocks.

Breasts

1)    They can be a useful place to keep your bras when they’re not in your underwear drawer

2)   Do the truffle shuffle! Nothing is more hilarious than shaking all your lady lumps. It’s a great way to break the ice in formal  situations

2)     Attach tassels to them and whirl them around a Gentleman’s club

3)    Use them as a handy pen holder

4)     Close doors- they can serve as great pushing devices when you’ve got your hands full Continue reading

The League of Mediocrity

20 Sep

Matt Webb

The scene: The living room of Matt Webb’s flat. Matt Webb, Mai-Ling Collyer, Jacq Kelly and Ellie Hutchinson are discussing a recent dramatic event in their lives.

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